


Under their skin

by Quiet_Constellation



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Cute, Don't touch me I'm soft for them, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, ffh speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-17 16:18:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16519904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quiet_Constellation/pseuds/Quiet_Constellation
Summary: Michelle can’t count the times she wished she had superpowers. Not that she has world-saving fantasies per say, but she could get behind having a little help in life.Right now for example, some telepathy would be pretty damn useful.Because she’s been staring at Peter Parker for a full hour, and she cannot for the life of her figure out what he’s thinking.--Or  : a non-exhaustive history of Michelle's one-sided pining over Peter until it's very much not one-sided anymore.





	1. transparent

**Author's Note:**

> Many many thanks to @doofusface for all the editing, beta-reading, and encouragement. Special extra thanks to @smilinstar for giving me the final push to post this !  
> This fandom is the best I swear !

Michelle can’t count the times she wished she had superpowers. Not that she has world-saving fantasies per say, but she could get behind having a little help in life.

  
Right now for example, some telepathy would be pretty damn useful. Because she’s been staring at Peter Parker for a full hour, and she cannot for the life of her figure out what he’s thinking. 

  
She sighs. He used to be so easy to read, always talking with Ned about nerd stuff (Tribles or Porgs?), girls (okay, mostly Liz), and which college they would get into (MIT or Stanford?). He’d always shrug it off, say something lame and she’d scoff, sitting all the way over at the end of their lunch table.   
This used to be easy. 

  
But now, every time she’s staring at him -observing, really-his face is closed up, his eyes lost in a place she can’t quite reach. He appears to be perpetually worried about something, something bigger than a sixteen year old has any right to be concerned about. 

  
Brooding is definitely not a look she likes on him. That frown is bound to create wrinkles on that big forehead of his, and his smile never quite reaches his eyes anymore.  She would deny it if anyone were to ask, but Peter’s smile is probably her favorite thing about him. She’s witnessed it enough times that she could probably draw it from memory by now : The way the corners of his mouth start by lifting up hesitantly, as if unsure they’re even allowed to, only to break into a toothy grin that makes her feel warm inside. She’d kill to get on the receiving end of it, but she’s never been foolish enough to actively try. 

  
She can’t recall the first time she noticed him. He’s always kind of... been there, in the corner of her eye. Like the smell of coffee in your kitchen or the sound of rain drops dripping down your roof. She still remembers when he chipped his tooth in sixth grade after an unfortunate encounter with a tree. She remembers the skinny twelve year old who gave her his own copy of Harry Potter after hers fell into a puddle.  She remembers when she went through her growth spurt before any of the girls their grade, the hot tears welling up in her eyes from comments ripping her apart from hair to toe. He’d sit next to her at lunch and say small nothings to distract her until she wouldn’t think about it anymore. 

 

She notices immediately the moment he starts disappearing from her life. It starts out as a couple hours per week, here and there. Then he quits band. Then chess club. And slowly, but surely, it’s as if an invisible hand is cutting his silhouette off of the background, replacing it with an empty chair.

  
And it sucks. She had heard about the Stark internship, so she’d reasoned with herself that she had no right to be upset about it. They weren’t even friends. So what if she glares at Tony Stark’s picture every time she passes that billboard? What could a forty year old man with delusions of grandeur want with a dorky teenager whose only extra curricular activity implied Lego death stars anyway?    
  


And then, there is Liz. Tall, impossibly nice, smart Liz. He barely answers any of her texts, even when Michelle is staring at her phone with a Bobby Fischer-like intensity, but Liz’ phone unmistakably buzzes seconds after she send him one. She tries not to let it get to her. Really, she does.

After decathlon practice, Liz sometimes complains about how unreliable he is, but she has no idea, has she? MJ thought she could rely on him, always making her feel seen, understood.   
  


  
No matter how observant she thought she had been, the cold, harsh truth still hits her in the face like a bag of bricks.

  
Somewhere along the way, Peter had stopped caring about her the way he used to, and started caring about someone else.  

  
  


Michelle can’t count the times she wished she had superpowers. She just never thought she’d become  _ invisible _ .

  
  
She sulks for a couple weeks, and then comes to the conclusion that all that time free of any Parker-related distractions can only be as good as she makes it to be. So she reads. Even more than she used to. She convinces herself that she doesn’t even need friends anyway. Besides, now that she’s not a part of his narrative anymore, she can be more objective. 

  
Becoming a journalist certainly is a death trap of a career, but to hell if she isn’t going to give it everything she has. If she’s invisible, then she at least wants her voice to matter. She already has a way with words, and starts carrying a notebook with her everywhere. It’s good practice, according to their English teacher. There’s always a story to be told, she’d said.

 

For someone who hates being in anyone’s direct vicinity, MJ really enjoys figuring people out. But most teenagers at Midtown High don’t really have anything hidden. Their issues are pretty much written on their faces and dreadfully common. 

 

Except for Peter Parker. She doesn’t think much of it at first.

 

But he comes back. By the end of the year, he’s being active in decathlon again, joins the robotics club, and even attends the school dance. Granted, he breaks Liz’ heart and she barely has time to flip him off before he disappears, but he still came. For her. 

 

Which doesn’t make sense. Why would he leave so soon?

 

It’s not obsession. She’s just observant.

 

Just like she notices that when they were at the Washington monument, she wasn’t the only one to sit out the visit. And somehow, a hero well known for his New York bound life appears out of nowhere to help them all.

That alone ticks her. And since she’s so forgettable, she turns it into a strength, pretends she doesn’t hear when they’re whispering loudly about him.   _ Spider-Man _ . She takes notes in the margins of the books she’s always reading, and pretty soon she has a decent idea of what Peter Parker might be hiding.

 

She doesn’t harbor much love for Superheroes. A bunch of white guys in costumes attracting more evil than they’re fending off? No thanks.

But Spider-Man is different. She’s seen enough footage of him on Youtube to admit that he really seems to care about the little guy. She scoffs. Show off. He appears to be able to cling to anything, webs  allowing him to swing gracefully from building to building. 

The new suit is definitely Stark technology, she scribbles down as she skims through a couple more videos. Does that mean he’s an Avenger?

 

She doesn’t care, she keeps reminding herself. It’s just a story, and it just happens to be him. She would do exactly the same thing if Flash had anything interesting going on. 

 

There is definitely a story to be told there. She just doesn’t know which one yet.

 

* * *

 

  
Peter prides himself on being decently smart. He’s always had an easy time at school, teachers love him, but despite having been called a nerd in a variety of tones, he’s still not certain what Michelle means by hers. Sometimes it sounds angry, like spitting venom to his face. That’s usually reserved for days when being Spider-Man clashes with their class schedule. Sometimes it almost sounds like a term of endearment. Almost.   
  


Unlike Liz or Ned, MJ keeps him accountable. He’s bailed on her enough times that he’s gone from feeling anxious about it to straight up accepting he’d go to some sort of special hell for it.   
Not that he wouldn’t deserve it. MJ has always kind of been.. there. In the background. They’ve known each other for ages (she’s seen him with braces and zits on his face which is embarrassing enough) to know that her careless and blasé exterior is just for show. Because she cares. She cares a  _ Lot _ . His phone is packed with evidence, texts, voicemails, missed calls. He’s not proud to admit he had only realized that once he had smashed it by accident and had to replace it. She may have considered him a friend at some point. And he certainly could use a friend right now.   
  


Being Spider-Man is amazing. Being Peter Parker, however... It takes him his entire freshman year and several near death experiences to finally begin to appreciate what it means. Nothing prepares him for how much space the suit takes in his life, leaving only Ned and May in it. He loves them both to death, but Ned kind of lives through him and May is more protective than ever now that she’s learned about his secret. After the whole Toomes debacle, he kind of wants to take it easy for a while, and that involves building a life for Peter Parker outside of Spider-Man.   
  


So he tries his best to make amends. Goes to class, participates in clubs again. Pays attention to people. The world didn’t stop moving when he was off patrolling and calling Happy every hour, but it’s still weird to come back to school once summer is over and see the change in people. Michelle is one of them. She’s more relaxed around the decathlon team. She’s also a pretty good captain. It does feel like she’s giving him a harder time than any of the other members of the team but he can take it, and makes sure he’s there for every practice.   
  


Another change is that now that Liz is gone, Ned’s got a new crush. He can’t blame him. Betty Brant is a pretty neat girl, all silky blond hair and a seriousness that you rarely find in a person. So what if Ned signs up for the AV club to spend more time with her? Peter tries to support him any way he can, because that’s what friends do, even if that means spending less time with them. He owes it to Ned. Besides, it’s not like they’re suddenly going to forget about the half built Millennium Falcon in his bedroom.   
  


But just as he wonders when they’ll get a chance to finish it, Ned gets sick for a whole week. He feels terrible about it, since they used to get their flu shot together. Ned really hates needles, but ever since Peter got bit, he hasn’t exactly been in the market for human illnesses. He promises him that he’ll bring some chicken soup but even sweaty and high with fever, Ned deflects his proposal with a jab about how things are going too fast between them.   
  


Which is how he ends up with no one to partner up with on the new chemistry project. He turns around, hoping to find someone to share his work with, and his eyes only meet Flash’s, who in turn winks at him and proceeds to make a rude gesture. 

He jumps in his seat when MJ drops a her bag on the table and smirks at him.  
‘So, what do you think about partnering up on this, Parker?’  
  


* * *

  
So far her plan is working. Peter’s scribbling down a bunch of notes, checking the tubes in front of them every now and then. He’s so focused on schoolwork that he doesn’t even notice her searching for clues. His backpack is lying on the floor between them, but she can’t exactly crouch down and go through it while he’s sitting here. She sizes him up carefully. His hair is a mess, and as her eyes trails down his frumpy grandpa sweater, she reflects on the videos she was watching earlier. For someone who’s so bad at keeping secrets, he’s done a pretty good job with concealing his figure.    
He must feel her staring -observing, really- for too long because he stops writing and turns his head towards

her.  
‘Did you just ask me to be your partner on this project so I would do all the work? Cause if you did, good job, it worked.’  
  


He grins at her and just like that she’s thrown into a loop again. She can’t let him affect her. She needs to focus, no matter how stupidly cute his eyes are and how much she likes it when they’re staring at her.

‘Fine. Move your seat, I need to see what you’re writing in there.’

  
She grabs one of his pencils absentmindedly as she peeks over his notes. For someone so smart he sure has a terrible handwriting, so she gives up on proofreading fast, and instead draws cartoon faces of Peter. One of them says ‘can’t wait to be a doctor to finally have an excuse to write so poorly’ and Peter stifles a laugh.  
‘Oh come on, it’s not that bad ! This is a three... or maybe a five?’  
  


MJ slow claps.  
‘And this is how our GPA dies. With thunderous applause.’  
  


He stares at her with bewildered eyes.  
‘Did you just quote Revenge of the Sith?!’  
  


Oh no. Now she’ll never hear the end of it.

‘Yes, nerd. I’ve seen Star Wars. Even the bad ones.’  
‘I thought you said it was “ _too white to even function_ ” !’  
  


Ah. So he does pay attention sometimes. It’s probably not the right moment to tell him that she watched the movies to see if all the geeky talk between him and Ned actually checked out and wasn’t just code for superhero stuff. 

‘It is. But they’re trying to change that so, points for effort.’   
  


His eyes are shining and he fidgets in his seat excitedly. MJ could have sworn he was a puppy in another life, because she can practically see him wagging his tail right now. Gross. With Ned gone all week, this is probably the longest time he’s ever spent without debating about who shot first. Thankfully, the bell rings without giving Peter much time to elaborate on a follow up question.   
She grabs his notebook and places the pencil she took from him on her ear.  She hopes to find something more interesting in it than their chemistry homework, provided she can decipher it.   


‘ I’m going to keep this and take a quick trip to the British Museum to see if the Rosetta stone can help me translate it.’   
  


She doesn’t even turn back when Peter yells.

  
‘We’re not even done yet !’  
‘We can hang out later. Text me when you’re free, loser !’  
  


* * *

 

  
The sun is setting over Queens when Peter finally decides to text her. He’s not usually this nervous, but he hasn’t been in touch with Michelle that much since he became Spider-Man and he doesn’t want his first text to be a royal fuck up. It doesn’t help that she’s the only other girl he’s ever talked to except Liz. But Liz never stole his pens or notebooks. Liz never challenged him or called him out on his behavior.   
  


MJ is his friend now. Or friendly enough at least. He really appreciates it, but he also feels like he can’t exactly text her the way he texts Ned. Peter silently curses himself. Jokes come naturally to him when he’s wearing the mask, but they’re mostly fueled by adrenaline and anxiety. Being witty in real life isn’t as easy.    
He starts typing.   
  


‘Dear MJ, do you think we could meet at your earliest convenience so I could regain custody of my notebook? Sincerely, Peter Parker.’   
  


No. That just sounds... bad. Like he’s being overly serious about work and he recognizes better than anyone that sarcasm doesn’t really read well on a text. Happy has made sure he understood that lesson.  
‘Hey MJ, wanna grab a cup of coffee somewhere and work on our presentation?’  
This sounds suspiciously like a date. He shakes his head. Hopeless. He stares blankly at his screen for what feels like an eternity. How do you convey to a girl that you’d like to hang out, in a platonic way, but also that you would really, really like to be her friend but in a non creepy way? Is there a song for that? There probably is.  
  


He interrupts his musings when he sees the three little dots appear on his screen. He might not know what to say, but she does.   


‘Hey Peter. I just realized that our chemistry assignment is due next week. I managed to transcribe your notes into an intelligible text so all we have to do is clean this up a bit and we’re good.’   
  


He sighs with relief.

‘Do you want to meet somewhere?’  
‘You make it sound like you’re about to abduct me in a van.’  
‘I don’t even have a driver’s license.’  
‘If that’s the only thing that bothers you in that sentence I’m not sure I want us to get together.’  
  


Peter grins.  
‘How do you feel about coffee shops?’                                             

‘I don’t really like crowded spaces. The less distractions the better.’   
  


She’s typing again, but he keeps seeing the dots disappear.   
‘How about your place?’  
  


He looks around, terrified. He’s never had a girl in here before, and he doesn’t even know if May would allow it. She’s never been bothered by Ned’s presence but Peter has a feeling this could read very differently. He’s still struggling to find an answer when his phone starts ringing. His eyes grow wide. Who uses their phone to call people these days?!  
  
‘Did your brain just explode, Parker?’  
He sure hopes heart palpitations and anxiety can’t be heard on the phone.  
‘No, it’s just..’  
He doesn’t know what to say. So for once, he leads with the truth.  
‘I don’t think I’ve ever had a girl over and I don’t... know how to proceed.’  
There is a pregnant pause on the other end of the line. That’s it. That’s how he’s going to die. Embarrassed, sweaty and alone.  
‘I didn’t know you thought of me as a girl.’  
Peter’s mouth gapes open. Of all the things she could have said, this is probably the most surprising one. He retorts immediately.  
‘What?! Of course I think of you as a girl !’

He bites his lip, mentally cursing himself.

 ‘ I mean, oh no, this is bad...’   
She chuckles.

‘Peter, you’re fine, I’m a girl, I’m just... glad you think so too.’

 

There is another silence, but it’s not an uncomfortable one this time. She breaks it after a while.

‘Listen, I don’t want to push your boundaries, but my mom’s renovating right now, so the house is a like, a mess. I figured going to your place would be easier. But we don’t have to.’  
He sits right up.  
‘No ! You’re right. My place is better. Let’s do this. Saturday afternoon?’  
‘Alright.’  
She doesn’t say goodbye. She just hangs up.  



	2. tingling

There is, of course, no house renovation going on. 

 

But Peter doesn’t need to know that. He also doesn’t need to see all the research material dedicated to him displayed in MJ’s bedroom.   
Earlier that week she’d held Peter’s notebook to the light, flipping through pages in hope of finding anything incriminating but there wasn’t any, just actual notes about their classes. 

 

She had figured she’d have more luck by going straight into the lion’s den. Which is how she finds herself pacing in front of Peter’s door on a Saturday afternoon.

Her hands are a sweaty mess and she keeps going back and forth between putting a strand of hair behind her ear or hiding behind it. All in a pathetic attempt to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that will ensue from their study session.

There is no point in delaying the inevitable, so she takes a deep breath, and rings the bell.

She overhears a rumble and hushed voices, and the door opens to reveal a woman, tall, maybe in her late forties. Her long hair is running down her back and she seems all too happy to see a total stranger on her doorstep. Behind her, Peter looks like he’s about to collapse from stress, his eyebrows knitted in the funniest expression of despair she’s ever seen. 

 

‘Michelle ! Welcome to our house !’

 

She manages a half smile before being brought into a hug that she definitely wasn’t ready for.

‘Uh, hi. ‘

 

Wow. Two entire words. Way to impress the family, MJ. She pulls out of the hug, trying to remember what normal people say to make a good impression when they meet friends’ relatives. For some reason, she wants May to like her. Not because she still has a crush on Peter. Definitely not. Which is why she tries really hard to avoid any eye contact with him. Is he even in the room? She doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter.

 

She finally lets out a shaky breath.

‘Thanks for having me, Mrs. Parker.’

 

May makes a dismissive gesture.

 

‘Oh please ! It’s so nice to see that Peter has  _ other _ friends. I love Ned as much as anyone can but it’s good for him to get out of his comfort zone a little.’

 

Out of the corner of her eye, MJ sees him grunt painfully and decides to put an end to his discomfort.

‘Maybe we should start working. We have a lot of figuring out to do…’

 

Peter’s head perks up, relieved.

‘Yes. Yeah ! Chemistry ! Let’s get to it !’

 

He grabs her wrist gently and leads her away from his aunt, but not fast enough for her not to hear May whisper to Peter quickly :

‘You didn’t tell me she was so pretty!’

 

Every last bit of color is drained from Peter’s face and he yelps.

‘Okay that’s enough for today! Bye May!’

 

He shuts his bedroom door before his aunt has a chance to say anything else and all of a sudden everything around them is quiet. That’s when it hits her. She’s alone with a boy. In a boy’s room. In _ Peter’s _ room. 

 

She tries to shrug it off, but it’s a lot to digest for a teenage girl who’s never even had a boyfriend. So she takes it all in. The room is small, a bunk bed in its corner, and next to it is a wooden desk cluttered with Lego pieces, school papers, and a laptop. There are a couple posters on the wall and a chess board precariously placed on top of a pile of books. It definitely looks like he cleaned it up recently, and she smiles to herself thinking that maybe, just maybe, he made an effort for her. 

 

Everything around her is definitely Peter’s and it’s a little overwhelming. She should search for a hidden door, a laundry basket suspiciously full of red and blue clothing, but all she can think is how this room is definitely too small for either of them to stand more than a feet and a half away from each other. Which is why she swallows loudly when she turns around and he’s just… there.

 

‘Hi.’

 

The corner of his lips tug nervously. 

 

‘Hi.’

 

She’s never regretted her height more than she does right now, because she’s staring right into Peter Parker’s eyes and she is in no way prepared for it. He looks startled, like he’s trying to figure out something about her. She holds his gaze a second longer than necessary, and reluctantly stares down, opening her messenger bag.

‘So. I typed up the notes you took the other day...’

 

This seems to take him out of his reverie and he grabs his laptop.

 

‘Right, so.. ‘

 

MJ is still standing there, not sure where to sit. Luckily, he picks up on that and points a finger to the bed.

 

‘You can sit on the bed if you want. Or the chair. I mean..  I’m sorry my bedroom is so small.. I didn’t want May to keep asking questions and start showing you my baby pictures.’

 

She lets herself fall down on the bottom bunk halfway through his sentence and his shoulders appear to relax a little.

‘Well now that you’ve mentioned it, I’ll never be able to focus on homework ever again. Baby Parker? I bet you were wearing the exact same thing : a sweater way too big for your frame and a perpetual look of anguish.’

 

He laughs. 

‘What can I say? I have a brand to sell.’

 

She smiles. She likes this bantering Peter. She realizes, watching him, that he’s probably just as freaked out than she is. She stretches out, eyes still scanning the room. 

 

‘I ...expected something nerdier, to be honest.’

 

He scoffs.

‘Like what?’

‘I don't know… Star Trek memorabilia.. Maybe a Wookie costume somewhere.

 

‘Please. You think I want the first girl who’s ever been in my room to see my Chewbacca costume?!’

‘You hid it at Ned’s, didn’t you? ’

 

He grins.

‘Dry cleaners. It’s never too soon to get ready for Halloween, you know?’

‘I thought you’d want to try something different this year. Haven’t you outgrown it by now?’

‘I have… I look like Bigfoot learned about cargo shorts and decided to shave to show off his calves. It’s bad.’

 

She snorts and regrets it immediately. She can’t afford to be a giddy, lovestruck teenager in front of him. It’s pathetic and she needs to focus. 

 

‘Can’t you ask your big buddy Spider-Man to lend you his costume for a day? You seem to be about the same size.’

 

Peter chokes and squeaks in a high voice :

‘I don’t think we are. Are we? No, we’re not.’

‘Peter.  You know I’m with you in gym class, right?’

 

His jaw clenches and suddenly she sees it again. The worried look he shouldn’t have at only seventeen.

She sighs.

 

‘You can barely do a half pump so I doubt it’d fit but padding exists, you know?’

 

His shoulders drop with relief, and she makes a mental note to add his terrible body language to the list of things betraying Peter Parker’s secret identity.

 

‘I think he’d be pretty mad to have a random teenager from Queens sweat up his costume. Can you imagine Flash’s face though?’

‘Oh, he’d be green with envy. Or fear. I mean, Spider-Man totaled his car last year, so..’

 

Peter smiles a little and she has to physically restrain herself from drawing him. She already has enough portraits of him for it to be questionable and she does not need him to know about any of them.

 

‘I wish I was there to see that.’ He sighs dreamily, and turns to her. ‘Hey, do you want a snack? I’m feeling snacky.’

‘I could eat. What’d you have in mind?’

‘How do you feel about bodegas?’

 

She raises an eyebrow quizzically. 

‘I generally like my food without cat hair, but I’m young, I can survive it.’

 

He stands up and places his hand out in front of her.

 

‘Then let’s grab some, shall we?’

 

She grabs his hand to steady herself up and lets go of it immediately after. If she feels a little disappointed when he doesn’t fight it, she tells herself it’s because she won’t get to snoop around and not because she would have liked to hold on to his fingers for a little longer.

 

* * *

  
  


Peter doesn’t understand how it happens, but somehow they end up walking together to the bodega, talking about absolutely everything but the homework they were supposed to do. He learns that to keep Michelle from asking him questions that could potentially unveil his secret identity, all he needs to do is ask her questions about herself.

God, she should have been the vigilante, not him. She’s so hard to read, and he’s not even sure she’s telling him the truth. She talks about her parents, her grades, and books she’s currently reading. She likes psychological thrillers, horror movies, and the occasional romcom. 

‘I mean. Some of those movies are cinematic masterpieces. Take  _ The Princess Diaries _ for example. Julie Andrews as a Queen of Genovia, Anne Hathaway, her hair, the fireman pole…’

‘I ...have no idea what you’re talking about.’

 

MJ stops dead in her tracks.

 

‘Oh my god. Peter. You need to see this movie. It’s iconic. How have you never watched it?!  What do you even DO in your free time?!’

 

He feels the corner of his mouth shake and hopes it doesn’t betray him. He truly is terrible at this.

 

‘I guess I just spend time with Ned playing video games and… doing the Stark internship. Maybe the next time we get together and want to procrastinate the afternoon away, we could watch it?’

 

He could swear he sees panic in MJ’s eyes before she returns to her usual composed self, and he suddenly think about the things that came out of his mouth and how it all sounds. He’s about to tell her to forget about it when she tugs a piece of hair behind her ear and replies quietly.

 

‘I’d.. actually like that. I mean. Anything to avoid chemistry homework, am I right?’

‘Oh. Yeah! Totally.’

 

He’s not sure why, but his words don’t come out right, and he can feel his cheeks grow hot. Asking Michelle to watch a movie that she’s apparently seen a billion times isn’t a big deal, is it? 

It’s not a date or anything. Just a way to pass time, between friends. He hopes she doesn’t find it creepy. But it seems like she’s actually enjoying his company today and if he’s honest with himself, so is he.

 

They finally get to the bodega and as he gets in, realizes the giant mistake he just made. There is no way Mr. Delmar is going to pass up an occasion to make fun of him and he’s not sure he wants MJ to know how much of a loser he truly is. 

It’s too late to go back so he just accepts that this is going to happen, and opens the door.

He immediately meets eyes with Mr. Delmar who just looks like Christmas came early, and turns towards MJ.

‘So, what are you in the mood for?’

She shrugs.

‘Surprise me.’

 

He brings out two packs of gummy worms, and he can tell she instantly regrets her choice.

‘Oh come on, they’re not that bad. Besides, those two bags are for me. I’m getting another two for you, hold on.’

‘Gummy worms, Parker? How are your teeth so white? Did you make a deal with the devil?’

 

He stares at her to make sure he heard her right, and then to Mr. Delmar for confirmation that Michelle Jones just complimented him in front of the whole store. Okay, fine, in front of the store owner and the bodega cat, but still. 

 

‘It’s a family secret and you’ll have to pry it off my cold, dead hands.’

 

She smirks.

‘Fine. Let me pay for your garbage worms then.’

 

He defensively brings the worms close to his heart, dramatically sighing for effect.

 

‘Oh you did not just say that ! Besides, I’ll pay for the worms, it’s only fair. I dragged you out here after all.’

 

Mr Delmar winks at him as they leave. He just accepts that he’s going to have to find another deli if he doesn’t want to hear about MJ and how he ends up paying for her granola bar, coke, and a pack of gummy worms. 

 

They eat on the way back, this time actually talking about their assignment. Contrary to his initial belief, she didn’t pair up to have him do all the work, and it’s with a pang of regret that he realizes they should be done by the end of the evening. It’s nice to hang out with Michelle. It’s different than Ned, but not in an unpleasant way. 

By eight thirty, they’re done with work and she’s reading a book she brought with her, absent mindedly chewing on a gummy worm. She’s comfortable, and she’s stopped analyzing every square inch of his bedroom.. 

Peter muses on the difference a couple hours can sometimes make between people. Michelle looks like she belongs here. On his bed, reading that book. It relaxes him, too.

As he sits on the edge of the bed, she asks:

 

‘So. Are we friends now?’

 

She doesn’t look up from her book. He makes a mental note about borrowing it because it must be fascinating, from the way MJ clutches to it. 

 

‘I thought we already were.’

 

He’s not a hundred percent sure, but he could swear he sees the shadow of a smile as she turns another page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !


	3. clear

‘You look bored.’

‘What?! No I don’t. I’m not, I swear !’

 

They’re sitting on his bottom bunk with their back up the wall, Michelle’s long legs dangling off the mattress. On his laptop screen, Anne Hathaway is moving around in her full foot-popping Genovian glory.

 

What initially started as a study date has turned into a fully fledged movie marathon and Peter can’t believe he’s actually having fun watching  Anne Hathaway’s baby face play an ugly duckling. 

‘Isn’t Mia the best?’ Michelle asks, casually pushing his foot with her own.

‘I don’t know… I think Queen Clarisse is setting the bar pretty high. It doesn’t get any better than Mary Poppins being your grandma.’

 

She snorts and he pushes her foot back, biting his lip not to comment on the Spider-Man socks she’s wearing. Some paranoid part of him wonders if she _knows_ , but the biggest part is left wondering if she likes him. Spider-Man, that is. He wants to ask her, but he’s not sure that she’d answer him. She seems to have a habit of keeping to herself, and opening up to him that one Saturday ends up being a one time thing.

Still, they’d made progress.

 

She’s finally decided to sit next to Ned and him in the cafeteria instead of the usual five seats away, much to his and Ned’s surprise.  He’s pleased to see that she enjoys their company, and even chimes in every once in a while. Sure, it means they can’t discuss anything Spider-Man related, but it’s worth it if it makes her happy. He hopes it does.

He’s experienced what it’s like to be lonely, to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is, so if she gets a kick from making snide comments every time he opens his mouth, who is he to deprive her of a moment of joy?

Ned calls him a masochist. He prefers the term ‘friend’.

 

They end up getting an A on the assignment, and they decide to pair up every now and then. Sometimes she pairs up with Ned, sometimes he does. Michelle is now part of the gang, whether she likes it or not. It looks like she does.

 

When they hang out at his place, however, they’re generally alone. He’s tried to invite Ned a couple of times but according to him, it’s different when MJ’s around.

 

 _He_ ’s different. Whatever that means.

 

‘Are you even paying attention to this masterpiece, Parker?’

 

MJ elbows him in the ribs, and he does his best to pretend it hurts. 

‘I am ! But weren’t we supposed to get ahead on that English homework?’

 

She groans.

‘You’re no fun, Parker. Pass me my bag, and those mini pretzels while you’re at it.’

 

Grabbing the handle of her backpack, he frowns. It’s much heavier than he’d expected. As he takes a peek inside, he notices that on top of her textbooks, she carries about three other, with the covers well worn, some with pages cornered, even.

‘How many books do you usually read at a time?! It’s like a library in here !’

 

She deadpans.

‘Usually one. The others are for you.’

‘Wait, what?’

 

She closes her eyes, visibly annoyed.

‘I’m lending you these, for your own good. They’re not on our reading list but they definitely would help with our English course. You wanted to do homework, well, read one of those and let me enjoy this national treasure of a movie in peace, Parker.’

 

He brings the books back to his bed, placing them next to him.

‘I think I’ll start on them after Mia proves everyone she’s a true Genovian princess.’

 

He sees her smiling out of the corner of his eye.

‘I knew you’d like it. You’re such a dork.’

‘Says the girl with the Spider-Man socks.’

‘Hey, I got those in an Avengers pack. I just wanted the Thor socks.’

 

He raises an eyebrow.

‘Thor. The big beefy God of Thunder? That’s your style?’

She shrugs.

‘Yeah, nothing like a giant soft man to hold you at night, you know.’

 

He doesn’t quite understand why, because he’s aware that she’s joking, but MJ’s comment is sitting badly with him. Something to unpack later, he thinks as the knot in his stomach makes it hard to breathe.

‘Relax, Peter, I’m joking ! I actually think Spider-Man’s pretty okay.’

 

His head perks up and for some reason, he feels hopeful again.

‘Yeah?’

 

She rolls her eyes.

‘I mean, I’m not really into the whole superhero shtick, but he seems nice. Fights for the little guy. I once saw him help an old lady cross the street. She gave him a churro.’

 

That damn churro. It’s going to be the end of him. He stops himself from putting his head in his hands, but he’s still mortified.

‘So you’re not a superhero person, but you still bought the socks.’

‘Heh. They were on sale.’

 

His eyes cross hers, and he’s about ninety eight percent sure she’s lying. Interesting.

Before he can quiz her more about the socks, Ned bursts through the door, yelling : 

‘Peter !! This is officially the worst day of my life and we need to talk like right this minu-Oh, hi MJ. I didn’t know you guys were...’

 

Ned wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and Peter practically yeets himself out of the bed.

‘We’re not! This is not ... No no no no no no, we were just.. Watching a movie ! Before we got to studying, right MJ?’

 

MJ squints, and answers in a flat tone.

‘Really, Parker? Seven ‘no’s’? I didn’t know I was so repulsive.’

 

Ned is just fully gaping like a fish, while Peter feels like he’s about to throw up.

‘No, that’s not what I meant ! I swear, I was just.. I mean he was..’

 

She sighs.

‘Once again, joking. I don’t care. God, you really need to get better at this.’

 

Peter turns back to Ned, his eyes silently pleading. He can’t help but feel like he massively screwed up somehow.

Ned blurts out,‘Peter thinks you’re really pretty !’

 

Both Peter and Michelle glare at him like he’s just lost his last two brain cells, which he might as well have, because he can’t believe Ned would betray him like this. This was a camp secret, and camp secrets were supposed to be kept to the grave.

 

‘Really?’

 

She sounds amused.

 

‘Are you kidding me right now ! Way to throw me under the bus, dude.’

 

He sighs, his cheeks a deep shade of red.

‘We were thirteen when I said that. But yes, you’re very pretty. Now can we please, please move on to Ned’s issue before I die from extreme sudation?’

 

MJ turns to him, and instead of making fun of him like he expects her to do, she smirks.

‘Well you’re not too bad either, Parker.’

 

If his stomach is making a weird attempt at a somersault, it’s probably because no girl has ever told him he’s handsome. Probably. 

‘I need something to drink. Do you want anything to drink?’

‘I don’t trust you with a coffee machine, Peter. You can barely button your own shirt. But I like to live dangerously so, surprise me, pretty boy.’

 

He feels the tip of his ears grow even redder, and silently curses his pasty complexion for betraying him.

‘Alright, Ned, you’re coming with me.’

 

He pulls his friend out of the room, far, far away from MJ’s smirk and snide comments.

 

* * *

  


As they walk towards the kitchen, MJ picks up a book on Peter’s nightstand. She’s not going to let herself be distracted by the fact that Peter Parker may find her pretty, no matter how pleasing this fact is.

It’s one of hers, her notes scribbled all over the pages. She wants to leave him a note, to make sure he tells her when he reads it. Picking up the pencil currently stuck in her hair, she writes down a couple words, her mouth twisting with embarrassment.

 

The pencil is actually his, and it’s about time she returns it to him.

She gets up on her feet, searching for his pencil case, her fingers grazing objects on his desk as she walks. It’s different when Peter isn’t in the room. She doesn’t have to pretend she doesn’t want to know everything there is to know about him. She gazes at the pictures framed on his wall, and chuckles at Peter’s eighth grade spelling bee trophy. It’s like a museum or nerdiness around her and yet she’s entirely charmed by it.

 

She ends up taking a peek at his school bag to try and find that dreaded pen, and as she moves his notebooks around, she holds back a yelp.

 

There, between their AP Biology textbook and Calculus homework, lies a perfectly red and blue suit.

 

Having strong suspicions that he’s Spider-Man is one thing, but really seeing it with her own two eyes is another. Her gut twists with a guilty feeling.

She thinks back to all the punches she’s seen thrown at him, all the days he came back to school a little more tired than usual.

 

_Peter Parker is Spider-Man._

 

She closes the bag and jumps back on the bed, picking up her book as Peter comes back into the room. For a second, she thinks he’s seen her, because he’s beet red, and then he gives her a hot mug filled with water and a teabag.

 

‘Turns out we didn’t have any coffee left so May made you this. I hope you like it.’

 

She stares at him, trying to reconcile the skinny, nerdy, total dork that is Peter Parker with the spandex clad hero swinging around New York City. The same Peter Parker who just admitted to finding her pretty. She feels nauseous.

 

‘I uh, actually don’t feel so good. I think I should head home.’ 

She grabs her bag, avoiding his gaze.

 

‘I’m sorry, I’ll see you on Monday. Tell Ned I hope he figures that thing out.’

 

* * *

  
  


‘Do you think she hates me?’

 

Ned stops building the Falcon’s interior for a second. In front of him, Peter’s sitting upside down on his bed, the mask from his suit thrown to the side.

 

‘Who, MJ?’

‘Of course, MJ. Who else?’

‘Peter, I don’t think she would willingly hang out with you if she did. You guys looked pretty cozy earlier.’ He pauses. ‘ Is that a thing that’s happening?’

 

Peter wheezes.

‘We were just talking, Ned. Nothing’s going on.’

‘Sure, Jan.’

‘Dude, seriously. Even if.. that was a thing that I’d like to happen. And it’s not ! I don’t think it’s a good idea.’

‘Oh  I agree. But does MJ know that?’

‘Of course she does ! Wait a minute. What do you mean you agree?!’

‘Well, I don’t think it’s very safe for you to be dating… You know, after the whole Liz thing.’

 

He frowns. Ned has a point. If he wants to stop hurting people he cares about, it’s probably better for everyone if he swears off dating. Which… doesn’t sound like a very fun way to live, but it’s not like he has girls knocking on his door anyway. Except Michelle. But it’s different.

Or is it? She was kind of horrified when he came back in the room, so he’d automatically assumed she’d overheard them talk about Ned’s crush on Betty, and Peter’s incredibly lame dating advice.

 

‘Speaking of, MJ just texted me. She says… that I shouldn’t listen to you and just talk to Betty like she’s a normal person instead of staring at her with my ‘stalker eyes’. Well thanks, that solves it.’

‘You guys text?’

 

Ned stares at him like he sees right through him, and Peter realizes how it sounds, but he texted MJ over an hour ago and she still hasn’t replied.

 

‘Yeah, sometimes. She asks me about you.’

 

Peter’s throat emits a strangled sound and he curses puberty for his ever changing voice.

‘What?! Why?’

 

Ned shrugs.

‘I think she’s worried about you. I mean, she’s the decathlon team captain now, so it’s kind of part of her job to check in on people I guess.’

 

Peter makes a vaguely non committal noise.

 

‘So, Betty huh.’

Ned shakes his head.

‘I don’t know what to do. She’s always nice to me but… I don’t even know if I stand a chance. I mean, look at me, I’m basically the sidekick of my own life right now.’ 

‘What?! Why would you say that? You’re the coolest dude I know ! And I’m sure she feels it too. Plus, we have that field trip coming up ! You can hang out with her then.’

 

Ned lowers his eyes, a frown on his face. It’s not like him to be that serious, or worked up.

‘ You don’t get it, man. Don’t you remember how it used to be like for us before you got your big upgrade? We were literally transparent. People were bumping into me in the hall ! They still do.’

 

Peter drops to his feet, staring at his friend like he’s seeing him for the first time. He’s been so preoccupied with Spider-Man outings lately that he’s only realizing now that Ned’s trademark confidence appears to be faltering more than a little.

 

‘It’s not like Liz, is it? This thing you have, it’s serious.’

 

He shrugs.

 

‘Yeah. When we talk, I don’t worry about that stuff, but then I see how people stare at us and…. I don’t know, dude, I just.. Freak out.’

As Peter sits down next to him, he places what he hopes is an encouraging hand on Ned’s shoulder.

‘If I know someone capable of getting what they want in life, it’s gotta be you.’ He mimics May-poorly- ‘“Some hats wear men, you wear that hat”, remember?’

‘I do look pretty good in that hat. Like a young Indiana Jones. Do you think I should get a whip?’

‘I’d ...stay away from that one, bud.’

 

This seems to help him regain confidence, at least. Peter stand up, itching to go outside.

 

‘Alright, enough girl talk ! Off to save the world--I mean, New York !’

Peter slides the mask down his face, feeling his skin crawl with a familiar tingle.

 

As he opens the window, he glances at Ned, who gives him a little thumbs up, and he disappears into the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That one was a little shorter but the next one has one of my favorite scenes in it so hang in there ! It's gonna be real fluffy :)


	4. freckled

It’s freeing, swinging from building to building, Ned and Karen’s comforting voices in his ear.

They’ve become quite the team these past few months, especially after he swore to May he’d keep a low profile. Ned basically volunteered all his extra hours to track down Peter to make sure he wouldn’t do anything reckless or dangerous.

She’d doubted them at first, but forced to see the results of their unlikely pairing. Spider-Man and his guy in the chair.

 

Peter feels lucky to have such a good friend. Ned’s always been there for him, never once expressing jealousy or disappointment.

Ned and Peter have always been a team. So It’s weird to see him change, be more secretive with this Betty stuff, but if he’s perfectly honest, Peter hasn’t exactly been upfront with him either.

 

It’s not like there is anything to hide between him and MJ, but there’s definitely something there, something he doesn’t want to have to think about when he’s fighting off car thieves and muggers.

 

‘ _There’s an attack going on around the corner, five blocks down. Looks like a movie set_.’

He hears Ned’s voice say excitedly.

‘How many?’

‘Hmm seems like they’re only two, but  they have a truck and I think they’re stealing tech supplies…’

 

With one swift web sling, Peter drops down a couple stories and tries to assess the scene. There’s no trace of a night crew, meaning they probably left recently, their equipment safely locked away.

There are effectively two men on set, grabbing anything that might be valuable.

He can’t resist.

 

‘And… Action !’ He yells out as he thwarts himself into battle.

 

When he’s Peter Parker, his jokes never land the way he means them to. He hides in the sleeves of his sweaters, his head bent down in textbooks, always looking down.

But there is nowhere to hide in the suit, and he doesn't want to. It’s good to be seen, and that’s when he feels the most like himself. When he’s Spider-Man, he doesn’t stare at the ground, only at the sky. It’s freeing, really, like he’s not tethered to anything.

 

Being Peter Parker is okay. Being Spider-Man is the best.

 

* * *

  


He comes home a little after midnight, exhausted, sweaty, a worn expression on his face. Some days are better than others, no matter how much he likes helping old ladies cross the street or help cats stuck in trees.

Those two thieves end up at the precinct, neatly wrapped with a bow -more accurately, a web- the only casualty being a stuntman caught in the crossed fire who jumped in at the wrong time.

He gets sent to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder and Peter already accepts that he’s going to feel terrible about it for a while. The guy just lost his job trying to help, while he reaps all the rewards and remains unscathed.

 

He collapses on his bed after rolling Ned to the bottom bunk, and glances at his phone. There are no new messages and it ticks him off a little. He hopes Michelle and the fragile ecosystem of their friendship are okay.

And there it is, the familiar mix of anxiety, stress, and something else. He’s never going to be able to sleep at this rate. He picks up one of the books she left, and stares at the cover.

 

The copy is well worn, and he starts reading the tall tale of a man disguising himself as another to win a woman’s love, and it somehow hits close to home. The play is well written, albeit a little old fashioned. He grins as he turns the pages, deciphering Michelle’s writing in the margins. Some of it feels old, one of them appears to be new, and it’s addressed  to him. 

_´Peter ! Thought you might like this one. x’_

 

It’s nice, seeing his name in her writing. What’s even nicer is to know that she thought about what books he might enjoy.

He keeps on reading for a while, and when he finally drifts off to sleep, it’s with a smile plastered on his face.

They’re going to be fine.

 

* * *

  


He’s eating his dinner absentmindedly when May corners him.

‘You know, it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you were to invite _people_ over more often.’

 

He stares at her, trying to not let his tongue get burned by the soup they’re eating.

‘You mean Michelle.’

‘I like her, and I like you when you’re with her. She has a good influence on you.’

 

He sighs.

‘You only say that because the more time I spend with her, the less I’m in the suit.’

 

She frowns, and he prepares himself for the unavoidable argument that will follow. She’s probably the only person in New York -except for criminals- who doesn’t like him in the suit. And this is how it always goes, too. She gets upset that he’s trying to help, because of what happened to his parents, of what happened to Ben.

 _People get hurt all the time, Peter_ , she’d say with a sad expression on her face. He’s bargaining with her feelings every time he puts on the mask. For the split second it’s pitch black in there, all he sees is her face, tired and worried.

But he always comes back. No matter how late at night, he makes a point at tapping on her door and leaving a note so she knows he’s there. He even let Ned show her how to use the tracker. But that doesn’t erase the worry, the sleepless nights, the fights.

He’s okay with being a simple teenager, but he’s not okay with not helping when he’s certain he can.

 

‘Peter. I only want what’s good for you. She’s good for you. Look at you ! I’ve never even seen you clean your room, or read a book that doesn’t have ‘quantum physics’ or ‘Star Wars’ in the title.’

 

She picks up the book Michelle gave him and shakes it above her head in a peculiar but very _May_ dance.

‘This one doesn’t even have pictures ! Or fractions !’

 

He grins. MJ does have a good influence on him.

‘I just don’t like lying to her.’

 

May stops flailing around, all trace of fun leaving her face.

‘Then don’t. She’s a big girl, she can handle it. I could, and so could Ned.’

‘The more people know, she more dangerous it gets for them and the more guilty I feel for making you all worry.’

 

‘Peter…’

He shakes his head, hands knotted in fists.

‘I know, I know ! I don’t _have_ to do it. But I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. What am I supposed to do, the next time I see something bad happen on the news?’

 

May sighs, bringing him into a hug that’s just a little too tight, because she cares a little too much.

‘I just don’t see why you have to do it all alone. You can’t carry that much weight on your shoulders by yourself. And by letting people in, you also let them help you. You need them as much as they need you is all I’m saying.’

 

He thinks about the books on his nightstand, about the half eaten pack of gummy worms on his bed. About MJ’s smirk when he says something funny and how she calls him a dork.  But he also thinks about how little they know about each other, and how fragile their friendship currently is.

He doesn’t want to risk it. Not right now.

 

* * *

 

‘Do you guys want to come hang out at my place next Saturday?’

 

Both Peter and Ned stare at her like deers in headlights, which would be kind of funny if she wasn’t trying her best to socialize right now.

They’re sitting by the bleachers out on the field. It’s a nice day out in Midtown Tech, so they’ve decided to eat their lunch outside for once. They spend enough time cooped up in classrooms as it is.  
Ned’s attention keeps drifting towards Betty, who’s training the cheerleaders with the determination of a Wakandan general. MJ chuckles. Despite the ever growing menace coming from outer space, they’re still teenagers. The sky could literally fall on their heads tomorrow but as far as they’re concerned, talking to a girl might still be deadlier.

 

Ned stutters.

‘Uh, sure, why?’

 

She shrugs. She doesn’t want to explain to them that it’s actually her birthday and both her parents are too busy for her, and that she pretended it didn’t matter because that’s what she always does. Pretends like everything is fine, like nothing changed. She hasn’t seen her dad since Christmas. He’s too busy, building god knows what in a city far, far away from both of them.

Despite knowing her mom can’t make it, because she now has to work for two, she’s a little disappointed. But the last thing she wants to do is be selfish, so she figures that inviting her two nerd friends to pass the time might actually be fun.

  
‘I just thought we could use my flat screen TV for movie night. It’s better than Peter’s.’

 

This appears to be reason enough for them and they both acquiesce enthusiastically before returning to their meal.

 

She shifts her focus back to Peter, whose sole purpose in life right now seems to be inhaling meatball subs by the meter. She’s not going to complain, not when she can use it and turn Peter’s lack of awareness into her own observational playground. The sun has brought out freckles on the bridge of his nose and she could happily skip next period to count them all. There’s a curl of hair falling down his forehead, and perched on his temple, a ladybug. It’s probably telling that she’s kind of jealous of the insect for roaming on Peter’s face so freely, so she raises what she hopes is a steady hand.  
‘Don’t freak out.’  


He drops the sandwich slowly, looking at her hand coming dangerously close to his face. Gently, she presses her index finger along his jaw, retracing the ladybug’s path. This is the most contact she’s ever had with Peter and she tries really hard not to think about that as he stills completely. The bug slowly climbs on her finger and that’s when she realizes that she’s holding her breath. She exhales sharply as she lowers her hand, and says in a detached manner :

  
‘Here. Rescue mission is a success.’

  
She might be mistaken but Peter’s cheek appears to be a little red where she touched it, and his voice is shakier than usual when he answers.

  
‘Is that a ladybug? Nice !’  


She smiles, but he’s staring at her way more seriously than he needs to be.  
‘Don’t just look at me like that. Make a wish, Peter.’  
‘Okay.’

  
Peter licks his lips. It’s a habit of his, and he does it every time he tries to focus on a difficult question at practice, but that doesn’t make it any easier for her to hold his gaze. She’s usually the one doing all the staring, not him. She tenses up.  
‘Are you done?’

  
He blinks as if liberated from a spell and she grabs her backpack before the blush creeping up her neck starts showing. She could have sworn his eyes went to her lips for a split second.

  
‘I need to get to class. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to circle around our country’s racially charged background this time, you know.’

She walks fast enough for them not to ask her any questions but she stills overhears Ned whispering loudly to Peter :

  
‘Dude ! What was that about?!’   


 

The truth is, he doesn’t know what it’s about. Sometimes, he hopes he does, and he lets himself dream about what it could mean.

 

Other times, like when he’s back-flipping between criminals trying to stab him with the tiniest of knives, he tries to block it out.

 

It used to be easy. With Liz, things were clear. He looked at her, and he knew she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and everything was certain.

With MJ, nothing ever is. One minute they’re friends, the other she looks at him like he’s grown a second head between third and fourth period.

 

Sure, they’ve called each other a few times. They hang out outside of school, but that’s because Peter is starting to feel lonely with Ned disappearing into AV club every other day.

It’s not really helpful to think about girls when he’s fighting, even if he has good instincts and a decent amount of strength. Especially when said amount of strength sends him flying through a Skittles billboard on Times Square.

 

‘Damn, you truly _can_ taste that rainbow.’ he says, a shaky breath under his mask.

 

When he notices the rest of the board falling onto his head, it’s too late. All of a sudden he feels all the pressure, the crushing weight and he’s brought back to his encounter with the Vulture.

He groans in pain, panic rising up in his chest, when he remembers that he actually has the suit on this time.

 

It takes both Karen and his mini drone to get him out, his hands shaking uncontrollably.

 

They still do when he takes the suit off hours later.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it with textbook banter and flushed cheeks, hope you liked that one !


	5. flawed

For a couple of days, he doesn’t think much of it. But then, he wakes up in the middle of the night.

He’s panting, eyes shiny and bright, and he can’t make his brain go quiet. All he sees, all he feels is how powerless he is, under the rubble. And it hurts just like he’s there. He can’t escape it, and his heart is pounding like it’s going to come out of his rib cage.

He looks around, terrified.

May is working late, and Ned isn’t answering his phone.

He can’t call her. It’s too much too explain, too much to ask of her, and yet he finds himself pressing the button.

 

_One of your biggest flaws is that you never ask for help_ , he’d told her once.

_Yeah, well, you don’t either_ , she’d retorted wryly.

 

‘Hello?’

 

This was a mistake. He can’t breathe or utter two words without feeling like he’s dying right now.

‘Peter, are you okay?’

 

It takes him all his strength to answer.

‘Not really.’

 

He feels the tears coming up. Feeling terrified and alone is one thing, but to admit it to someone else is making it all too.. Real.

‘Where are you right now? Do you want me to meet you there?’

‘Home.’

 

He hesitates, the air in his lungs barely coming in, burning him inside and out.

‘Yes, please.’

 

There is a click on the phone, and then nothing. He tries to breathe, but his head feels heavy.

He doesn’t know how much time passes between his phone call and MJ’s arrival, and it dawns on him that he needs to pull himself together and get out of that semi catatonic state he’s in before she gets to the door if he wants to be able to open it.

There is a noise on  his window, and when he turns, he sees her, lodged on the fire escape. She taps on the glass, and proceeds to open the window from the outside. If he wasn’t Spider-Man himself, he’d think she’s the one under the mask. She gets in as easily as a cat, dropping her bag on the floor.

 

‘Hey.’ She simply states.

 

He tries to look at her, his breathing still uneven.

‘Hi.’

‘I didn’t want to bother you so I figured I’d try to climb in, Romeo style.’

 

He manages to smile.

‘Impressive.’

 

She smirks.

‘I know !’

 

There’s a pause as she shifts uneasily from left to right, and then opens her mouth.

‘So. I figured you wouldn’t be able to tell me why you’re in such a crappy state, and I’m not interested anyway so… how do you feel about building a fort?’

 

He blinks.

‘A what now?’

 

She pulls out bed sheets from her bag, unfolding them obnoxiously in front of him.

‘You heard me. A blanket fort.’

 

He stands there for a second, wondering if this is some kind of joke, but MJ seems positively serious about it. She pulls his own covers while wrinkling her nose.

‘Parker, you need to wash your sheets for more often.’

‘Let me get that. You’re not touching those.’

 

They start slowly, adding pillows on the floor, and Peter’s not much help at first. His limbs are all stiff, and he can’t focus on what to do, which is why he appreciates MJ taking the lead and telling him what to do. She’s bossy, and soon he doesn’t have space in his head for anything but how to attach sheets to the top of the bed, and whether they should bring his desk lamp in or not. By the time they’re finished, Peter is slowly coming back to himself. They’re sitting on his bed, the flower printed bed sheets on top of them like a curtain. He’s lying down, his face resting on a pillow, while she’s sitting next to him with her back resting against the wall. She’s reading him her book of the week in a low voice, and he finally feels like he can breathe.

 

‘Thanks.. For this.’

She shrugs.

 

‘No big deal. I’m..’

She pauses.

‘I’m happy you asked for help.’ She glances at him from the corner of her eye.

 

Somehow in the time it took them to become friends again, Peter changed. He’s no longer the gangly stuttering mess he was at school. He’s taller, more composed. It’s like he’s growing up before her eyes.

‘You’ve changed, Peter.’

 

He frowns.

‘I know, I quit band, then joined again..’

 

She clears her throat.

‘I’m not talking about that. You used to be so… secretive. No one could tell what you were even thinking. But now… It’s different. You talk more. It’s good.’

‘You talk more, too. It’s also good.’

 

She chuckles.

‘Do I, now?’

He turns to  his side, a grin on his face.

‘Oh yeah. And please, don’t stop on my account. Tell me all about those flower sheets.’

She squints.

‘What did you expect, Parker? I happen to like flowers. Or at least, that’s what my mom thinks.’

 

‘ You know what? I think I was half expecting little Maya Angelou faces printed all over them.’

 

She throws a pillow at him.

‘How dare you disrespect one of the greatest poets of our time.’

 

He laughs, throwing the pillow back at her.

‘ I’m sorry, I just thought you could have tried a little harder ! I mean, it’s not very on brand for you, I don’t think I’ve even seen you in florals. Oh wait no, I can totally see it. You wearing one of those long flower dresses like you’re coming back from a festival-’

 

MJ purses her lips, slapping him on the chest.

‘How dare you, Peter Parker ! In my own fort !’

 

She’s not sure who starts it, but they begin fighting, even though she can tell from Peter holding both her wrists that she’s not going to fight for very long. He really sucks at hiding his powers.  Or maybe she really doesn’t have much upper body strength. Either way, she gives up easily.

And that’s when it happens. They’re both panting, laughing, her hair falling in front of her face in messy, curly strands and Peter’s eyes are soft, so soft. All of a sudden the room feels quieter than seconds before and her breath hitches.

This is not what she came for. She was supposed to be here for her friend, and nothing else.

 

‘How are you feeling?’

 

He blinks, surprised by her serious tone.

‘Better, I think. Thanks again.’

 

She sits back reluctantly and looks anywhere but at him.

‘Don’t mention it. But you know, if you want to talk about it… I’m good at this kind of stuff. The heavy stuff, I mean.’

 

He sits up, his expression unreadable.

‘I know that. But just because you’re good at dealing with other people’s issues doesn’t mean you should have to.’ He whispers.

 

A bitter laugh escape her lips. God damn Peter Parker, always caring about others so much.

‘I don’t have to, but I want to. It’s the one thing I’m good for.’

 

Oh no. Self depreciation is not a good color on her. And by the expression on Peter’s face, he’s about to pity the hell out of her.

‘What? No you’re not. You’re so much more than that !’ He bites his lip and adds :

‘Do you really think that?’

 

She shrugs. It’s already hard enough to have to think about that when she’s alone, and now she’s spilling the beans to the one guy who has ninety nine problems in his life.

‘I don’t know. It feels like it sometimes? My mom is constantly ranting about my dad, to my face, all day. And all I’m there for is to say ‘yes, he’s the worst. It really sucks that he left us.’... But she never really asks me how I’m feeling about it.’

 

His face drops.

‘Oh.. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.. And how _do_ you feel about it?’

 

She shakes her head.

‘No, no no, Peter this isn’t about me ! Tell me what’s wrong with you.’

 

He pauses.

‘If I tell you, will you tell me?’

 

She glances at him, eyes uncertain. She’s not so sure she wants to know anymore.

‘Deal.’

‘You first.’

 

MJ rolls her eyes.

‘Are you kidding me, Peter? Ugh, okay, fine. I guess I don’t feel very good about it. Happy?’

 

‘MJ, come on.’

 

She sighs.

‘I guess… I’m kind of angry about the whole thing. I feel like I’ve been living a lie this whole time, and then all of a sudden it just.. blows up in my face? They were so obsessed with maintaining this perfect illusion that I really believed it, you know? And now, I just see things for what they really are and I… I wish I could go back, and I know it’s selfish, but I just wish they’d care enough about me to try to protect me. And I know my dad left my mom, but he didn’t have to leave me too.’

 

Her throat tightens. She refuses to look at Peter’s face, so instead she stares at her lap, her fingers fidgeting with the sheets.

 

‘It’s not fair.’

 

Hearing it from someone else, she finally realizes how hurt she’s been. She shouldn’t have to pretend everything is fine to protect them. They should be protecting her. She’s the child. She’s the one who should be allowed to be careless and free, and not have to worry about college tuition, about waking up her mom so she goes to work everyday. She’s seventeen, and she wants to act like it sometimes.

 

‘No, it’s really not.’ She sniffles. ‘It really sucks.’

 

Crap. She’s crying in front of Peter. Way to go, MJ. If he wasn’t pitying her before, he certainly is now. She feels him shift on the bed, and he sits next to her, letting a tissue fall into her lap.

She turns her head towards his, but he’s staring straight ahead. His shoulder is touching hers, and she slowly lets her head fall onto it.

‘If you tell anyone about this I will kill you.’

‘Deal.’

 

They stay like this for a while, not really talking, until she finally asks.

 

‘So, what happened to you?’

 

He thinks of the weight on his shoulders and May telling him to share it.

 

‘Well… I don’t really know where to start.’

She nudges him.

‘The beginning is usually a good idea, but I’ll take anything.’

 

When he looks back, it probably boils down to Ben. Or rather, the giant gaping hole made by his absence. To forgetting every other day that when he comes back to school, there’s only going to be May sitting at the kitchen table. Sometimes she stares at the empty chair in between them, and he just hates himself. Had he been there when it happened, there would be three plates, and his actual uncle instead of a picture frame.

He’d sworn himself and Mr. Stark that he’d use his powers to the maximum of their abilities, to help and to protect the little guy.  Which is why he’s been so scared to admit to himself that he may not have been as ready as he thought he was.

 

‘I think.. Ever since I got the Stark internship, I’ve had more and more responsibilities, and at first, I really thought I was ready for it, for more, even. But turns out..’

‘It’s too much to ask of a fifteen year old kid?’

‘Hey ! I’m sixteen. And a half.’

 

She scoffs.

‘Yes Peter, because six months make a huge difference.’

Now it’s his time to nudge her.

‘Anyway. I took on work that I couldn’t do all by myself, and it backfired. Big time. And now I think about it all the time, because…’

 

‘I don’t know if I’m good enough to really make it into this, uh, industry. And I get stressed about doing a good job, but then I get scared about the consequences and how long I can actually do that job before..’

 

As she glances at Peter’s shoulders, all tense and at his tired face, MJ thinks about the suit in his backpack. She thinks of her notebook, of all the information she’s learned about him these past few weeks. And she realizes she’s done. There is no point in making Peter’s life more difficult than it already is. What she’s doing is intrusive, and the more time she spends with him, the less she can justify it to herself. There are a ton of stories to tell around her, but there is only one Peter Parker, and he’s her friend .Even if he can’t tell her the absolute truth, she wants to be there when he does.

 

‘You’re okay, Peter. You don’t have to have all of it figured out, and you’re allowed to mess up. That’s what being young is all about. The important thing is to own up to it, and try your best.’

 

He breathes out.

‘That’s.. Actually really good to hear. Thanks.’

‘I charge about 200 an hour.’

 

He winces, and she grins.

‘No friend discount, heh?’

‘That’s with the friend discount, dummy.’

 

As he gets up to grab a pack of gummy worms, he turns towards her, a knowing look on his face.

‘You’re going to drive me up the wall, aren’t you?’

 

_Probably going to be the other way around, Parker._ She thinks to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly getting there ! I'm gonna keep updating one chapter a day (mostly because I've already finished writing the fic), hope you'll like this one because it's definitely an angsty one !


	6. quiet

It’s a Saturday evening like any other, except he’s late and from the looks of it, Peter won’t be able to make it in time.

He really wishes there was a way he could tell those criminals to chill for a little bit because there’s a girl waiting for him for a movie night. It’s the first time they’re going to MJ’s house and he really wants to be there for her. He has a feeling that this is some sort of test and he doesn’t want to find out what will happen to him if he fails.

He manages to kick one of the guys off him and throws him against a car.

‘Listen, man. Can we call it a day? I have like, soda in my backpack right now and I don’t really want to recreate viral videos from 2010, okay?’

 

The man groans, and Peter takes it as a yes.

‘Karen, put Ned on the phone please.’

 

While he easily disarms two other men, he hears his friend pick up the phone.

‘Oh hey Peter, what’s up? Are you at MJ’s yet? Please tell her I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it and not to punch me in the arm !’

‘Wait, what? Why are you not going?!’

‘My grandma’s sick so we’re driving to Jersey right now… Do you think MJ’s gonna be pissed? She’s so scary when she’s mad… Wait. Are you fighting?! You’re like, half an hour late.’

‘ And if you’re not here, and I’m not here…’

‘She’s all alone.’

 

_ Crap. _

 

* * *

  
  


She’s been waiting for him for an hour, the tip of her pen tapping on her cup of coffee. She should have known better than to trust Peter Parker.  

Ned had cancelled because of a family emergency, and she had no news of Peter. Which means she’d bought a sheet cake for no reason at all.

She glares at the icing, eyebrows knitted together, feeling the familiar bitterness and anger rise in her. She should have known better. You can’t be disappointed when you expect the worst in people, and yet, a couple months hanging out with those losers and she’d let herself hope again.

With one hand, she slides the cake over the counter, directly in the garbage can where it belongs.

 

MJ takes a glimpse at her phone, knowing full well there will be no new texts. She tries not to feel disappointed, really, she does. After all, she understands why he’s not there. There’s a cat to save, a grandma on fire, a bank robbery. She just wishes he’d call.

 

She clenches her teeth, throwing her empty cup in the sink harder than she needs to.

The cup chips, which seems like a perfect analogy of her life right now. 

 

She breathes, everything around her a little heavier than she wishes it was. 

It’s fine. She’s used to her parents bailing on her, and Peter too, to some extent. But this time, she figured that if she had expressed herself well enough, told him how important it was for her not to be alone, he’d come through.

There is a bang on the door, and she groans. Perfect. Time to tell the delivery guy her usual lie about how much pizza is actually meant for her family and not just herself. 

She opens the door to a very exhausted Peter, who practically tumbles into her house.

 

‘Hey MJ! I’m so so sorry I’m late, I came as fast as I could and-’

 

She doesn’t let him finish and instead pulls him into a hug. There probably was a cat to save, a grandma on fire, or a bank robbery. The important thing is he showed up.

‘Thank you.’

 

She pulls out of the embrace, breathing heavily. 

He shrugs, tugging on his sleeves, a sheepish look on his face.

‘You said it was important so…’

‘It wasn’t. I mean, I’m happy you’re here.’

 

He looks around, eyes shining in the dim light, taking it all in.

‘Hey, this is the first time I’m seeing your house ! It’s nice !’

 

She rolls her eyes, smiling softly.

‘Alright Parker, take your shoes off. You’re not bringing germs from god knows where into my home. I haven’t had time to do my flu shot this year so you better not get me sick.’

 

He steps further in hesitantly, and for a minute she regals in the fact that she might actually spend a decent birthday. He turns to her, opening his backpack.

‘I brought movies, and… well they were ice cream sandwiches but since I got held back they’re closer to a liquid state I guess.. We should throw those away.’

 

She laughs.

‘Alright.This way.’

 

As Peter opens the garbage can, his eyes open wide.

‘Why is there a full cake in there?!’

 

Crap. She forgot about that. 

‘It’s, uhm..’

 

Screw it, he deserves the truth.

‘It’s actually.. Kind of my birthday today.’

 

His eyes grow tenfold.

‘What?! Why didn’t you say so yesterday?! I don’t even have a gift !’

‘See? This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d make a big deal out of this. I just wanted something chill, like..’

‘Like friends coming over to watch movies?’

 

She stares at him, her eyes softening up. 

‘Yeah.’

‘Okay, then.’   
  


* * *

 

 

She’s dozing off on the couch, her legs sitting on Peter’s lap, a big bowl of popcorn on top of her stomach. They’ve been watching the movie in silence for a while, but it’s not uncomfortable.  One of his hands is resting on her shin, and she stares at him with eyes half closed.

He’s more relaxed than she’s ever seen him, and she beams with happiness.

This is probably as good as birthdays get. 

As he gazes at MJ slowly drifting off to sleep, Peter smiles to himself. Books and movies often tell you about a grand gesture, a moment where everything shifts and you see the world with the same eyes, breathing the same air, and somehow everything is different, because you’re in love.

For Peter, there is no grand  gesture. Just a teenage girl in her pajamas, her eyes closed, her hair messy, sleeping gently next to him. He feels the familiar tug in his stomach, and for the first time he lets himself think it.

  
He’s in love with her.

 

* * *

 

It’s just his luck to have a  giant spaceship appear out of nowhere on the day of their field trip to the MoMa. MJ is so excited that her face is actually emoting, and Ned is rocking a new hat so fly even Flash can’t find anything bad to say about it. 

For once, everything appears to be great and he marvels at the fact that this is the first day in a while where he actually feels like a teenager.

Then the hair on his neck and arms start sticking up out of nowhere and he silently curses. So much for the normal high school day.

He jumps out of the window, sharing a worried glance with Ned while MJ has her back turned to them.

 

_ This is fine _ . Everything is going to be fine.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... This is definitely NOT fine. But we'll get through it! I might update later in the day because this was a short one!


	7. falling

When he wakes up, all he sees for a minute are blurry shapes.

Then he feels something wet on his face and it takes him a while to reconcile the feeling with what’s actually happening : May is hugging him like she’s never hugged him before, tears running down her face.

 

He doesn’t understand. One minute, he’s on an alien planet with a wizard, Iron Man, and a guy who thinks Footloose is the best movie ever made. They’re fighting this Thanos guy, and then it gets fuzzy. He remembers feeling terrified of the possibility that they were going to lose, that all the people he loves might be gone and it would be his fault. For not doing enough, for not being enough.

There is also physical pain, as he holds on to Tony’s arm, feeling himself.. Disappear?

 

He frowns, now able to see that both Ned and May are sitting beside him in what appears to be the hospital wing of the new avengers tower.

 

Did he… Die?!

 

Suddenly his vitals spike up, causing the machines he’s tied to to go haywire. He’s aware his body is in shock, but it’s not enough to stop it from happening to him. He wants to puke, or cry. Possibly both. When he looks at his hands, they’re shaking, and even if he sees May place hers on top of his, he can’t feel her touch. Someone comes in to check on him, but he can’t make out any of the voices. It’s like he’s underwater. Everything becomes blurry, and he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t-

 

Something, probably a drug of some kind, knocks him out cold.

 

He wakes up screaming. The air in his lungs burns like fire, and he desperately tries to untangle himself from the web of IVs chaining him to the bed. He needs air, outside air, but no one’s here to help him. It’s the dead of night, and as Peter settles down, trying to focus on evening out his breathing, he realizes he’s alone. May and Ned probably went to sleep somewhere, worried sick.

He doesn’t want to wake either of them. His eyes rest on the end table, which is packed with spider-themed candy, flowers, and little lego sets and he knows he’s supposed to be strong, but deep down, he’s still a kid. He’s only a kid. Tears start rolling down his cheeks and he doesn’t bother wiping them. Instead, he rolls himself into a ball and rocks back and forth.

His spidey senses are heightening everything, his fear, pain, anxiety, and for a minute he lets himself be overwhelmed by all of it. When he closes his eyes, all he sees are flashes of his own fingers disappearing into thin air, Tony’s face reflecting the absolute horror of what’s happening.

 

They’re losing, they lost.

 

Yet, he’s still here. Everyone is safe. So the other Avengers had to have done something right.

 

When his eyes are tired of crying, he finds his backpack hanging by one strap. Inside, there’s a chocolate bar he kind of wants to nibble on, some of his clothes, and his phone.

His home screen is filled with notifications. He has a billion texts and voice messages, and some of them are from May and Ned. Most of them though, happen to be coming from one Michelle Jones. His breath hitches, and he opens one of them.

 

_‘Hey loser, how did you manage to ditch that field trip? Nevermind. I don’t care.’_

 

The ghost of a smile forms on his lips. In a world he’s not sure to recognize anymore, he’s happy he still can rely on one constant. He keeps scrolling.

 

_‘Peter, where are you? Are you safe?’_

_‘Dude. Seriously.’_

 

There is one voice message, and he presses play hesitantly.

 

‘Hey Peter, it’s MJ. Michelle. Jones. Listen, things are getting pretty tense around here so, wherever you are, I hope you’re okay.’ There is a pause in the message, and Peter stops breathing entirely when she adds. ‘Anyway. I thought you should know that uhm, I’m happy to be your friend.’

 

He’s so far from being okay. He realizes with a bitter laugh that she’s the only one he wants to talk to about all of this, and by some sort of cruel joke of fate, he can’t.

Because she doesn’t know he’s Spider-Man, and he made sure she wouldn’t.

 

It’s a decision he made when he first felt his stomach churn after a look that lingered for too long. Eventually, he’ll have to deal with the reason behind it. But for now, all he wants is to hear her voice, and he’s not strong enough to fight it. Not in the dead of night anyway.

He hits dial, and waits. He doesn’t really expects her to pick up, which is why he nearly jumps when she does.

 

‘Peter !’

 

The urgency in her voice makes him nauseous. She probably was worried sick and now more than ever he questions the point of being a hero if all you do ends up hurting the people you love.

 

‘Hi,’ he croaks, realizing he hasn’t spoken since he-

‘Where were you? You cannot do this to me, Peter. You have a responsibility to the members of this team and-’

‘I’m okay,’ he says softly into the phone.

‘Oh. _Oh._ Well that’s just swell, isn’t it?’

She sounds angry, but he knows better by now.

‘MJ… ‘

‘What?’

‘It’s good to hear your voice.’

 

On the other side of the line, MJ breathes heavily. This is why what they have can’t work. She wants to tell him that she knows, that she’s seen the news, the humongous spaceship. That she spent every waking minute of her week reasoning with herself, arguing that Ned would have at least the decency to tell her if something truly bad had happened. Still, it didn’t prevent her palms to be covered in crescent marks.

She can’t do this, she thinks dejectedly. She can’t have Peter for herself, the way she desperately wants to. Being in love with him is the one secret she’s willing to make space for. Pretending she doesn’t know he’s Spider-Man is too much to ask of her.

She feels the tears well up in her eyes. She swallows, hard, trying to make the lump in her throat go away before she says :

 

‘Please, don't. I can’t do this, not right now.’

‘MJ, please. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.. Please don’t go.’

 

He sounds so desperate, so.. Small. It’s too late to pretend she’s not crying on the phone. Except it’s kind of okay because she’s pretty sure he’s crying too.

 

She answers in a strangled voice.

‘I was really worried, you know? You’re such an idiot.’

 

He chuckles, or at least, tries to.

‘I’m so sorry. I don’t even remember how long I was out. I woke up this morning.’

‘Peter… It’s been three weeks. No one would tell me anything. I went to your house, and your aunt wouldn’t even answer the door.’

 

God, she hates how whiny she sounds right now. She’s not that girl. He whispers into the phone :

 

‘I’m sorry. Someone should have told you.’ He breathes in. ‘ _I_ should have told you.’

 

There is a silence on the other end of the phone. Peter wants to tell her so badly. He’s so sick of lying to her, because he’s certain she doesn’t believe him anymore.

‘Then tell me.’

 

‘I want to.’

Her voice is an enthralling whisper, and he’s about to open his mouth and tell her everything, about the spider bite, Ben, Mr. Stark, the suit, Thanos, and above all how much he wants to hug her right now.

Then, out of nowhere , he sees him.

Tony Stark is leaning against the wall, glaring at him, shaking his head no and Peter pales. She will hate him for this. But Tony is right. He made a promise.

 

‘I want to. So bad . But I can’t.’

He hears her scoff on the line, a bitter sound.

 

‘Fine. Bye, Peter.’

 

When Tony sits down on the side of his bed, the sorriest expression in his eyes, Peter breaks down in tears. None of this is fair.

 

* * *

  
He recovers in time to go on the field trip with the rest of the team.  


MJ would be relieved if she wasn’t so angry at him. Ned had been so worried over the last couple of days that he’d started spiraling during their decathlon training, rapid shooting nonsensical answers to her questions.

This year, the school is taking them all over Europe, and even if most of her classmates fall into the ´genius nerd’ category, they all start behaving like feral teenagers the minute they’re off the plane. They’re here to learn, at least according to school officials. Putting twenty pubescent teenagers in a bus for three weeks seem to be a curious oversight, but she decides to make the most of it.

 

They’re in Scotland, and the gray landscapes, paired with her rainy mood, make for the perfect ride. She turns and all the way back, Peter gives her a tentative smile. She pouts. She can’t ignore him forever, especially when they’re supposed to spend a month in close proximity, but she’s not ready to pretend she’s okay with him getting beat up within an inch of his life in an effort to save the planet from a giant purple thumb.

 

The worst part of it all, the part twisting her insides into knots, is that she’d thought they were close enough so he’d confide in her, or at the very least let her help. But instead, he just pretended he had mono, and stayed away, in some sort of secret facility perhaps, recovering.

She used to hate that he didn’t trust her enough to share his secret. Now the thing she hates the most is how it feels like no matter how close they get -not that they would- there would always be this part of him that she wouldn’t know about. He could disappear and she’d never know why.

 

‘Can I sit here?’

 

Her eyes meet his, and she sighs. For someone with absolutely no game, Peter Parker weirdly knows how to utilize his kicked puppy face.

 

‘Fine.’

She stares out the window, and feels the heat of his body radiating next to hers. She gets pulled out of her reverie by trembling fingertips hovering on the back of her hand. He stammers.

 

‘Listen. I’m sorry-’

 

She exhales loudly. It’s hard to stay mad when her entire body is going up in flames because Peter Parker is barely touching her. Does he know? Is she that obvious? There is a tiny voice in her head whispering to her that maybe he does know, and that’s exactly why he’s doing this to her. So she can’t be mad at him. She snaps.

 

‘What are you sorry about, Peter?’

He winces. ‘I know you were worried. And I know… You feel like you don’t matter, sometimes.’

 

He’s careful not to look in her direction, and instead traces circles with his thumb on the back of her hand. She hates it, yet never wants it to stop.

 

‘But you do. You matter to me, at least, and I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise by not calling you or-’

 

She cuts him off.

‘You’re here now. That’s what matters.’

 

When he smiles, she feels her heart skip a beat. It’s a smile she’s never seen on his face before, and it makes her feel seen, special. Maybe even loved. She just pulls her earplugs and _The Second Sex_ out of her bag.

 

‘I’m going to read now, Parker, and I don’t want to hear one more word from you, is that clear?’

 

He nods a little too seriously and she allows the corner of her lip to lift up.

‘Want to listen to music I’m absolutely sure you’ll hate?’

 

She takes one earbud and places it in her ear. Peter grabs the other.

He never lets go of her hand.

 

* * *

 

She knocks on Ned’s hotel door at 10 PM, trying not to feel self conscious about the swimsuit she picked for the mandatory pool party. Party may be an over statement, as it’s just going to be a group of nerds swimming around eating minibar candy, but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t at least try to engage once in a while.

She expects both of the guys to deflect her offer anyway, which is why she’s surprised when Ned welcomes her with a pair of what can only be described as ‘funky sunglasses’ and a Hawaiian shirt.

 

‘So are we getting in that pool or what?’

 

She raises an eyebrow, surprised at Ned’s newfound enthusiasm for aquatic adventures. Behind him, Peter is clinging to his grey hoodie like ET, keeping it firmly zipped all the way up.

She rolls her eyes.

 

‘Alright losers, let’s go.’

 

Flash is already swimming around , splashing Betty with a water gun she’s surprised he even bothered to take. She sits on the bench near the pool, pulling out a book from her bag. She did her job, all her classmates are reunited around a body of water, so she starts blocking out everything happening around her to dive right back into her Philosophy book.

 

‘Come on Parker, what are you afraid of? We all know you’re a skinny bitch anyway so let’s get it over with.’

‘Leave him alone, Flash! Peter, you do you. Your body, your choice,’ she hears Betty retort.

 

MJ rolls her eyes, safely hidden behind the cover of her book, when she nearly chokes.

 

So what if Peter is ‘ripped’ according to Flash’s envious tone? She’s not going to look. It’s a body. She’s seen Renaissance paintings and statues. It’s more or less the same. Except it’s Peter, and he’s hers and hers only to stare at. She audibly groans. What is wrong with her?! He’s not hers, he’s not anyone’s. So he’s ripped. Good for him.

 

As he dives into the water, she relaxes back into her reading. For once, she’s thankful no one is paying attention to her, because she’s  been going over the same sentence for the past five minutes.

A shadow looms over her, or more accurately drips chlorine water all over Sartre’s exploration of the self.

 

‘Don’t you want to swim too? Just because you’re the captain doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun.’

She groans.

‘Peter..’

 

And then makes the tragic mistake of glancing away from her book for a second and into his direction. She wonders if he can tell that any sort of consciousness has left her body and instead all that remains is self loathing and a battle with her raging hormones. She’s aware that being a hero warrants some sort of muscle mass but it’s nearly impossible to reconcile the frumpy, wool wearing Peter Parker with this.. this..pack of abs who’s standing in front of her. She manages to look him straight in the eye, praying for the lighting to bad enough for him not to see her blush.

 

‘From Mathlete to Athlete, huh ?’ she blurts out, and immediately wants to scream. She’s making puns for Christ’ sakes, and it’s all his fault.

 

He laughs, a sheepish expression on his face, and her mouth -the traitor- twitches. Even with his muscle suit, Peter’s still Peter. What’s decidedly new, however, is the way his lips stretch in a satisfied smile as he shrugs :

‘It’s all airbrush, you know.’

 

She stands up a little too quickly, forcing him to take a step back. She doesn’t like this new Peter, who’s staring at her like, like. Like he wants something from her, and she’s too chicken to ask him what it is. She’s starting to regret her decision to become friends with him. It was much easier to ignore her pounding heart when she was wearing it under twenty layers of sarcasm.

 

MJ stares him down defiantly. Even without her kicks, she’s still towering over him.

 

‘Fine. Let’s wash it off then.’

 

Without a single look, she pushes him into the pool, letting him take her with him.

Underwater, they’re both the teenagers they’re supposed to be. She can barely see, but she thinks he’s laughing, swimming carelessly and all she wants is for the moment not to end.

 

He deserves to be happy, more than others. As she lets herself float to the surface, she grins.

 

‘This is actually pretty nice.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ He swims closer to her, if you can call it swimming. It’s more of a dog paddle and she snorts.

‘Peter, how are you so bad at this?!’

He splashes her gently.

‘Hey ! It’s not like you can take swimming lessons in the Hudson you know ! And, look.’ He places a hand on her waist, turning her around.

‘Aren’t they cute?’ he whispers, pointing his chin towards Ned and Betty, sitting side by side on the edge of the pool, hands almost touching.

 

She thinks about how his fingers are still on her back, and mumbles :

‘The cutest.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left ! It's been a ride... I hope this chapter ended up being the emotional roller-coaster I wanted it to be !


	8. fireworks

After an exhausting couple of days in France, and a quick stop in Germany, the class settles in Prague for the rest of the week.

It’s becoming apparent that this trip is more meant to unwind that to actually learn about history and poli-sci, but Michelle isn’t exactly mad.

She’s currently too busy glaring at the mirror, quietly cursing as she turns around. She’s not used to see herself in a dress, much less in one covered with flowers and colors.

This is so unlike her that she ends up putting her denim jacket on top of it, trying to hide as much of it as she can. It’s not a date, she reminds herself, trying to steady her breath. Or at least not _theirs_. She’s just going to meet Peter and head to the carnival, and help him set Ned and Betty up the best they can.

 

It’s not a date, she tells herself as she pulls on the straps of her backpack nervously.

She’s managed to escape the rest of the trip unscathed, even enjoying the company of her classmates at times. Things are changing rapidly around her, starting with Flash. After being almost run over by a Ferrari in Germany, he has, according to him, turned over a new leaf and is therefore annoying in a whole other way. She gives it three days after their return for him to return to his usual self.

For now, she’s thankful for the respite. Another change in their whole class dynamic happens when she least expects it. Ned, whom she was certain would be the one pillar of certainty in their whole grade, gets more confident.

Well, his Spanish is very good--much better than Peter’s--and he ends up at a café in Barcelona, surrounded by girls laughing at his jokes. It gives him the final push he needs to ask Betty out, and they end up talking for hours about musical theater. Turns out Ned is a big musical nerd and handles most of the sound engineering for the school play.

When she turns toward Peter for confirmation, he shrugs. There are many things he doesn’t know about Ned these days.

Peter has never been happier for his friend, and so what if that means MJ and him end up spending a lot of time alone? It’s not like it’s their first time either, but take the context of high school out and transport them in cities with thousand of years of history and suddenly everything feels different.

They end up talking about life after high school, about MJ’s mom and her application to Columbia.

She learns that while Ned is pretty set to go to Stanford, Peter’s probably going to stay in New York.

She doesn’t want to ask why.

 

It’s not a date, she reminds herself as she walks down to the hotel lobby and Peter is standing there. He’s twisting his hands nervously, and when he sees her, his eyes light up and he smiles. It’s a different kind of smile than the one she’s used to. It’s a smile barely hiding the secret she’s too afraid to ask about. A smile full of promises, of late night phone calls, of hand holding in the streets and whispered sweet nothings. If Peter’s smile was a song, it would be a waltz, because it needs two people to happen.

 

Part of her is terrified of that smile, and of what she wants it to be. The other part, the brave part, breathes deeply and walks down the stairs. She’s judged Peter for his lies and secrets harshly enough, yet she can’t be honest with herself for more than a second.

Gazing into Peter’s brown eyes, she decides she owes it to him to at least drop her own mask if she wants to give him a chance to do the same.

 

‘You look great.’

 

Her first instinct is to tell him he looks like a child going to church for the first time.

She bites her lip. Being genuine isn’t exactly her thing. Blunt, brutal, sarcastic, sure.

But being earnest is Peter’s thing, not hers. Regardless, she wants to show him she’s trying.

 

‘Thanks. You look good too.’

 

She winces, balancing her weight from one feet to the other, waiting for Peter to comment on her lack of repartee. Instead, she feels a hand tug on the sleeve of her denim jacket.

 

‘Do you want to go and meet the others outside? Ned just texted me saying he just tried a ‘chimney cake’, whatever that is.’

 

She nods, doing her best not to show how incredibly nervous she is. They both know it’s not a date, she repeats to herself like a mantra. It gets harder to ignore when she feels Peter’s shoulder bump against her from time to time, as they’re walking towards the festivities.

 

According to Mr. Harrison, Prague is the most magical city in Europe. Prague, not Rome or Paris. All she’s seen in Europe so far are centuries of cultural oppression and theft, but she’s ready to admit that Prague is pretty dreamy. She blames Disney movies and their obsession with castles and pointy roofs. The city is pretty small too, and she’s almost certain they’d be able to see it all in a couple hours, if they felt the need.

She feels the touch of his hand against hers, so light that she thinks she’s dreamt it, but it happens again.

Her breath hitches when their fingers lock together, and she makes a point of not looking at him as she squeezes his hand gently. She doesn’t want him to believe this is all an accident. She’s tired of hiding it. She could lie, right now, and pretend this is just a silly crush, a school trip romance, precipitated by fairy lights and street vendors, heightened by the prospect of Ferris wheel rides and fireworks at midnight. Michelle has never been in love before, but she’s pretty certain that this is what she feels right now. She hears him sigh. There are so many questions she wishes she could ask, but this is as far as she’ll go. She knows he’s waiting for her to make a move, because it’s _Peter,_ but this is as brave as she gets.

 

‘We’re not going to join Ned, are we?’ she finally asks, her mouth dry.

‘Not really, no,’ he answers, still staring right ahead.

 

Her heart is pounding in her chest, and she can feel herself tip over, surrender to the smokescreens of Europe’s manufactured romanticism.

 

‘Do you want to?’

She takes a shaky breath. ‘No.’

 

He nods, casting furtive glances her way. They end up walking slowly to the fair, strolling along the water, oblivious of their surroundings. Peter’s hand is warm against hers, and it’s about all she can focus on at the moment.

 

It’s a date, she tells herself as they stare at the water beneath the bridge, dark and shimmering.

 

It’s a date, she thinks as they step into the Ferris wheel, to embrace the city from above.

The buildings and people disappear into tiny dots, and she wonders if this is as close as she’ll ever get to experience what it is to be him.

 

It’s a date, she finally realizes as he turns towards her, cheeks slightly red, lips shut in a hesitant smile, eyes silently asking for permission. She closes hers for a second, then moves her head closer, closer, trying not to think about how foolish she is to consider that Peter Parker could ever like her.

 

Eyes half open, she realizes Peter is also leaning closer.

 

From up close, it’s an infinitesimal change, but to anyone else, they’d look like flowers growing on a vine, intertwined in a fragile and intricate way.

 

Anything could break them apart, or bring them closer.

 

That’s when Spider-Man appears. Which is odd, considering he’s Spider-Man. But Peter is still sitting next to her, and for a brief moment she wonders if she misunderstood everything and he’s not the masked superhero. Then, she glances at Peter and she sees it. He’s frowning, his face angry and confused.

 

So if he’s Spider-Man, who in the hell is that?!

 

The moment has, of course, passed, and as they step off the Ferris wheel hastily, she comes to terms with the fact that this is what it’s always going to be like. It’s always going to be Spider-Man first, and Peter Parker second. Meaning he’ll leave her, again and again, until there is no one left to leave.

 

She bites her cheek. She wants to tell him that she doesn’t care about superheroes, that all she’s ever wanted is Peter Parker. That she loved him way before he started wearing spandex, back when he just played the tuba and she was beating him in chess club.

Back when he was a scrawny boy from Queens, with ears too big for his face, and hair all over the place.

 

Instead, she lets her heart shatter in a million little pieces as he drops her hand, opening his mouth to feed her yet another excuse.

 

‘Don’t bother. Just go,’ she snarls, colder than she wishes. He frowns.

'Michelle. I -'

‘Peter, if the rest of that sentence isn’t the absolute truth then I don’t want to hear it.’

 

He looks like she just punched him in the guts.

 

‘Come on, MJ. That’s not fair…I would tell you if I could, you know that, you’re my friend and-‘  
´Am I though , Peter? ´  
´What is that supposed to mean?!’  


She bites her cheek. She’s done. Done pretending she’s not hurt every time he leaves her behind, every time he picks someone else. She shrugs.

  
´Well, you’re friendly enough. We’ve known each other for years and see, you’re nice. And that’s the worst thing about you, because you make people feel like they matter. But then you turn around and you forget about them in a minute. And it sucks. Big time.’  


She feels hot tears welling up in her eyes. She will NOT cry in front of Peter Parker. Even if he’s on the verge of tears as well and that breaks her heart even more. He shakes his head in disbelief.

´That .. that’s so unfair.  You can’t just say that ! Half the time you look at me like you’re about to murder me and the other half, you just mock me relentlessly ! What am I supposed to do with that?’  


Her fists are clenched so hard she’s pretty sure her nails are going to leave crescent marks on her palms. Peter must notice, too, because his hand hovers over her wrist hesitantly. She’s shown a variety of emotions in front of him. Indifference, smugness, genuine concern. Never anger. For a minute it seems like he’s going to say something, but then there’s another buzzing sound coming from his cell phone and she realizes he’s going to leave her.  Again.  
She wants him to turn back. She wants to apologize even though he’s the one who hurt her feelings. But all she sees when she finally looks up is an empty space where he used to be.   
  
If she runs back to the hotel, she doesn’t remember. All that matters is that when the bathroom door closes loudly behind her, she can’t hear a thing. She waits until she’s certain she’s alone, and finally let her tears freely run down her face.   
  
She’s done with Peter Parker. With whatever this... thing they had was.

 

She stares at her carefully crafted notebook, all the drawings she made of him. She rips them out angrily, tossing the pictures, the print outs, the screen caps into the bin.   
She can’t stare at his stupid face for a minute longer.  She’d set the bin on fire if she wasn’t so certain it would trigger the alarm and she’d end up soaking wet and even angrier. So she goes to bed and tries to ignore the lump in her throat until she passes out from exhaustion.

 

It’s past midnight when she hears something knocking on her window. She rubs her eyes, still puffy from her meltdown earlier, and then she hears it again. She’s not having it, not today. She steps closer to the window, fully prepared to fight, and her stupid heart goes from zero to a hundred way too fast because she’s staring directly into Peter’s eyes.  
It’s not as if she didn’t know.  But it’s still impressive to see him perched up like that, effortlessly holding on to a branch. She allows herself to take it all in. He’s wearing the suit, save for the mask, and his eyes are glistening in the dark. It makes her feel.. hungry. She doesn’t know what to do with that feeling so like many others relating to Peter Parker, she shoves it deep down in a place no one can find.  
She opens the window screen and sighs.

  
‘Peter...’  
‘I know. I know and I’m sorry. Please, please let me in. Please, MJ...’  


It’s really unfair. It’s unfair how one look from him has the power to undo her completely. He stares at her, pitiful with his sad puppy eyes and right then, MJ knows she should have burned his picture. She gets it now. He’s like bad seed: if she really wanted him gone, she should have tried harder. Destroyed all the evidence. Because Peter climbs in, easily, and all of a sudden the bedroom feels too small, too.. intimate. She takes a step back.  
´Listen. I came here because I felt.. horrible after tonight. I kept replaying it over and over in my head, to figure out how I screwed up so bad and.. I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I’m sorry. I took you for granted and I’ve never really told you that before because, well... you kind of terrify me?´

 

She crosses her arms in front of her, teeth grinding together.

 

´Is that your idea of an apology? To tell me I’m scary?’  
´No ! I mean.. you’re everything that I’m not. You’re level headed, smart, witty..’  


She’s thankful it’s nighttime so he can’t see her blush.   
´So are you. I mean. You’re a lot of things, Parker.’  


A dork. A nerd. Spider-Man. A friend. A friend she can’t shake out of her head. A friend who inexplicably smells of pine trees right now and she wonders if he fought off a gang of bears in the woods because seriously, she could put him in a car right now to clean up the air. That’s how good he smells.  
She wonders what happened to that other Spider-Man. She’ll ask later. They have a lot more things to get out of the way first.

 

She needs to try and be brave for once. Take a leap of faith.  
´You’re also pretty smart and remarkably level headed for someone who fights crime every other night, you know.’

  
He takes a step closer to her.   
´You can’t tell anyone-’ he whispers, his lips all too close to hers.  
´I don’t have any other friends to break the news to.’  

 ´ _Hey_. You have me. And Spider-Man too, I guess.’

  
He smirks and it’s entirely too much. She already has trouble processing Peter in daytime, so she absolutely cannot deal with him right now, his lean frame only lit by the lampshade outside. In the dark, he’s completely different. She wonders if that’s the difference between Peter and Spider-Man. He’s more confident, more grown up. Maybe it’s the suit.

Her mouth runs dry when she realizes they’ve been staring at each other for a long time, and he’s not backing down.

 

´I can’t believe it had to be you.´

 

The words escape her mouth before she has the time to catch them.

Then, slowly, carefully, Peter places a hand on the nape of her neck, stands up on the tip of his toes, and closes the space between their lips.

 

It’s everything she’s ever wanted, and more.  


* * *

 

It’s the bravest thing he’s ever done. The craziest, too. Forget about Thanos, or the Avengers. Kissing MJ is scary and exhilarating at the same time, because she kisses him back. Her lips are soft, and her hands claw at his suit, bringing him closer. There are no words needed at this point and as he steps further into her room, Peter thinks that he may be the luckiest guy alive.

As he pulls away slightly, his forehead resting against hers, she whispers.

 

‘So, am I going to wake up tomorrow covered in spider eggs, or what?’

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we are. Thanks for reading this !

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ! Hope you liked it !


End file.
